1 AM. Driveway. Car door open. Two people facing each other, knowing it was the last time they would be a couple. Tears streaming down both faces, no one able to move an inch. Once they moved, it was over. It all would be gone. No more late-night calls or walks in the park. No more hugs, no more kisses, no more sharing drinks. No more visits with families or going to church together. One move, and all would be gone. All two and a half years completely to an end.
But what if we didn’t move away from each other? What if we moved closer together, back into each other’s arms where it felt safe and comfortable? We wouldn’t have to stop the feelings that welled-up in our hearts or try to hide our smiles when we saw each other. We could stay up the rest of the night talking about anything in the world. We could make some food and share it. We could just sit. We could be.
But we knew we had to move away. We knew that it had already ended before it begun. We knew that the problems we had were so deep and so embedded that trying to keep it going would have been more harm than good. We knew that God was calling both of our hearts away from each other, and we needed to let go of the strings that held our hearts so captive. We needed to just not be.
So into the car I got. And off into the night I went. And that was it. The end.
I often think about the night I felt my world ended. I think about how I screamed pain into the night with such a yell I swore the whole world heard. The person I loved for such a long time was gone. He was out of my grasp. I couldn’t hold him anymore. I couldn’t long for his embrace. He wasn’t mine. We weren’t each other’s anymore. He was now him and I was now me. What a stabbing thought that was.
It’s been almost nine months since that night, and today I’m feeling it like it was yesterday. Memories are flashing through my mind and making me succumb to a state of sad nostalgia. Oh how I miss when you were mine. I remember it today, I feel it today, I long for it today.
But how far I have come is something that I am so thankful for. Everyday I am learning to be on my own. I’m learning to depend on the Lord, and no one else. I’m learning to accept myself for how he has made me, and for most importantly how I am in this very moment. I’m learning to walk through life with his hand. I’m learning to move behind him. I’m learning to love him, because he loved me first. I’m learning that that love sustains, heals, and moves me to a kindness I could not express to others on my own.
I know that you have moved on, and I can say with honesty that I am so happy for you. What an awesome girl God has brought to you. I pray that you follow God with your whole heart, and keep going towards him so you can lead her well. I pray she treats you right, because if anyone deserves the best, it’s you.
Just know you’ll always be in my heart. I can’t change that and I won’t try. My future husband will be gracious enough to know that, because I’m sure he will still have these days about someone too.