Momma said we’d have these days…

1 AM. Driveway. Car door open. Two people facing each other, knowing it was the last time they would be a couple. Tears streaming down both faces, no one able to move an inch. Once they moved, it was over. It all would be gone. No more late-night calls or walks in the park. No more hugs, no more kisses, no more sharing drinks. No more visits with families or going to church together. One move, and all would be gone. All two and a half years completely to an end. 

But what if we didn’t move away from each other? What if we moved closer together, back into each other’s arms where it felt safe and comfortable? We wouldn’t have to stop the feelings that welled-up in our hearts or try to hide our smiles when we saw each other. We could stay up the rest of the night talking about anything in the world. We could make some food and share it. We could just sit. We could be.

But we knew we had to move away. We knew that it had already ended before it begun. We knew that the problems we had were so deep and so embedded that trying to keep it going would have been more harm than good. We knew that God was calling both of our hearts away from each other, and we needed to let go of the strings that held our hearts so captive. We needed to just not be.

So into the car I got. And off into the night I went. And that was it. The end.

I often think about the night I felt my world ended. I think about how I screamed pain into the night with such a yell I swore the whole world heard. The person I loved for such a long time was gone. He was out of my grasp. I couldn’t hold him anymore. I couldn’t long for his embrace. He wasn’t mine. We weren’t each other’s anymore. He was now him and I was now me. What a stabbing thought that was.

It’s been almost nine months since that night, and today I’m feeling it like it was yesterday. Memories are flashing through my mind and making me succumb to a state of sad nostalgia. Oh how I miss when you were mine. I remember it today, I feel it today, I long for it today. 

But how far I have come is something that I am so thankful for. Everyday I am learning to be on my own. I’m learning to depend on the Lord, and no one else. I’m learning to accept myself for how he has made me, and for most importantly how I am in this very moment. I’m learning to walk through life with his hand. I’m learning to move behind him. I’m learning to love him, because he loved me first. I’m learning that that love sustains, heals, and moves me to a kindness I could not express to others on my own. 

I know that you have moved on, and I can say with honesty that I am so happy for you. What an awesome girl God has brought to you. I pray that you follow God with your whole heart, and keep going towards him so you can lead her well. I pray she treats you right, because if anyone deserves the best, it’s you. 

Just know you’ll always be in my heart. I can’t change that and I won’t try. My future husband will be gracious enough to know that, because I’m sure he will still have these days about someone too.


Design Crush

You continually humble me with the realization that you call me to trust in the certainty of all you are, but my soul still tries to make certainty for itself.

From a recent prayer. (via churchjanitor)



My life is not convenient.

It’s true and hard to accept at times, but this fact is also comforting. When life feels inconvenient, I am connected to the story continually presented in the Bible.

Abraham was told to move away for no reason. Joseph was wrongfully imprisoned. Moses was uprooted…



Failing at Tumblr.

Literally, this is a post about not keeping up with this thing after creating it almost 2 years ago. But to go a little deeper, don’t we all start so many things that we don’t finish? For example, most people set out to lose weight, start off really well, and then end up right where they were when they started - no weight lost (and maybe even more gained, I’m so guilty of this).

This is what I’ve done with this Tumblr. This is what I’ve done at weight lost, friendships, romantic relationships, my talents, commitments, and mostly myself. I have failed. So drastically.

But…a breath of fresh air comes my way when realizing that it’s okay. Failure is okay. Failure can be welcomed. Perfection cannot be achieved by me. It just can’t. And IT’S OKAY.

It’s okay because I believe that someone came to be perfect for me, and can take all of those failures and make them beautifully perfect. I believe that a creator so loved me that he gave his only son to die for me so that my failures won’t define me, but his love will.

Does this mean that I should strive for mediocrity in everything I do? No. It means that if mediocrity is what I achieve at something, it was because it was my best effort. God will still love me just the same. My failures only make it a better story (;

So now after being a little dramatic but nonetheless chasing the deeper end, here is me trying this thing again. Tumblr, hope it works out this time!


Olympics Fever
via Ellsworth Cooperative Creamery

"May Your Power Rest On Me" by Sojourn Music

I love these lyrics so much, so I just wanted to share them.

Let me hear my Savior say
"Your strength shall return"
Then I’ll rejoice in my weakness
As I lean on your grace
As I lean on your grace

May your power rest on me
You are strong when I am weak
I can bear all things when temptation springs
For you sustain me all my days

Let me know my Savior’s face
Let my hope be secure
Then I’ll rejoice in my weakness
As I lean on your grace
As I lean on your grace

Once from the Lord withdrawn
I thought that I could live my life alone
Leaving the solid ground
I sank beneath His wisdom
The harder I tried to climb 
The closer I was to find how great is my weakness

Though the trial still goes on
Your grace will be my song
For I can bear all things when temptation springs
For you sustain me all my days

can’t get over how great this girl is!

can’t get over how great this girl is!